Beware the Ides of March
Five years ago, give or take a day, my university announced that in-person activities were cancelled through the end of the year. I was a freshman, a little in over my head, but still excited to become the genius engineer I always envisioned. My friends and I were looking forward to having more time to hang out, while we waited for this new virus to blow over. We didn’t know we would be kicked out of student residence within 2 weeks. Or that we wouldn’t see each other for a year after that. Or that everyone’s life was about to be altered, forever.
Three years ago, give or take a day, I received my official ADHD diagnosis. I was a junior, thoroughly burned out and with no sense of routine after two years of “unprecedented times”. What started with a funny Reddit meme took me down a path to understanding that maybe my struggles weren’t a moral failing. That it was possible to get out of the cycle of exhaustion. But I didn’t know how long it would take, and I knew that something else was missing. Nonetheless, I dreamed of better days.
One year ago, give or take a day, I came out to my closest friends. Now a senior, I was about to blow up my life, right at the end of the tracks. At first, it was exciting, working with my therapist as we unpacked my challenges. And then we flipped over this big rock and fear came rushing in. Slowly, I learned to accept the truth, ask for what I needed, and now I was ready to start sharing it with the world. I didn’t even know if things would work out, but I at least had to try.
My friends accepted me, more than I could ever imagine.
Tomorrow is the Ides of March. I’m in my mid-twenties now. The pandemic has quieted, my ADHD is being managed, and I’m living as myself.
Things slow down.
I bought a standing desk this week. It pairs nicely with the office chair I got from the same place, and I don’t need a foot stool anymore.
Things slow down.
I’ve gotten closer with my friends than ever before. We spent a week in Montréal, freezing our asses off and doing the things we never had time for under the weight of engineering school.
Things slow down.
I’m learning to take the pressure off myself. There’s no need to rush to get everything done. I have time. Finally.
Time slows down.
My voice training is going alright. It’s a bit rough, and pretty inconsistent, but I’m not falling back to the old voice anymore. And I’ve found there’s something waiting for me on the other side, when it takes over my inner monologue:
Silence. Peace. A deeper connection to the world.
I’m getting there. But there’s no rush. I have time.
I’m not afraid of the Ides of March.